Mistakes. Miscarry. Miss out.

Is it strange to love someone I’ve never met? To grieve someone’s death who never technically lived? To mourn the end of a life that never truly began?

Four years in recovery and I feel ready to take on another life… to become a mother. Well, I felt ready. That was 2 miscarriages ago; now, I feel… like I am being punished, or simply am not capable of receiving another life to care for. Logically, I understand the details of miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. But in my heart, I feel like I have received an answer to a question I’d been too scared to ask aloud: have I been forgiven? Have I made amends? Paid enough penance to carry on with a happy life?

I was ready. Ready to cultivate another life, giving to another what it took so long to give myself. I felt prepared. Ready to answer the tough questions, and ask the uncomfortable ones. I was willing to set aside my own wants and needs to attend to the life of my child; not only willing, but so completely excited.

Now, I am left wondering why I am childless after 2 false starts. What am I missing? What should I take away from this experience? What is broken that needs repaired prior to my becoming a mother?

I fear that I damaged my body too much, pushed too hard against the line between life and death. Another selfish oversight during that life of numb… now feeling it all so much.

Will I never become a mother?

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One thought on “Mistakes. Miscarry. Miss out.

  1. I think it’s pretty natural to wonder if you’re being punished for your past. But look at all those addicts out there popping ’em out…I think it just is what it is…and you’ll get your chance. It’s not wrong to love someone you’ve never met – until then, take that love and give it to YOU. You deserve it. I’ve had a miscarriage too, so I know how raw and confusing and heart breaking it feels. It’s crazy, you never really hear about them until you have one, and then you realize just how frequently they occur. Hang in there, sister! It’ll happen!

    Liked by 1 person

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