Is it strange to love someone I’ve never met? To grieve someone’s death who never technically lived? To mourn the end of a life that never truly began?
Four years in recovery and I feel ready to take on another life… to become a mother. Well, I felt ready. That was 2 miscarriages ago; now, I feel… like I am being punished, or simply am not capable of receiving another life to care for. Logically, I understand the details of miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. But in my heart, I feel like I have received an answer to a question I’d been too scared to ask aloud: have I been forgiven? Have I made amends? Paid enough penance to carry on with a happy life?
I was ready. Ready to cultivate another life, giving to another what it took so long to give myself. I felt prepared. Ready to answer the tough questions, and ask the uncomfortable ones. I was willing to set aside my own wants and needs to attend to the life of my child; not only willing, but so completely excited.
Now, I am left wondering why I am childless after 2 false starts. What am I missing? What should I take away from this experience? What is broken that needs repaired prior to my becoming a mother?
I fear that I damaged my body too much, pushed too hard against the line between life and death. Another selfish oversight during that life of numb… now feeling it all so much.
Will I never become a mother?